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çalıştığın yerdeki bütün elemanlar o turuncu tişörtten giyiyor .. bir tek senin turuncu tişörtün farklı ! farklı değil aslında , hepsiyle aynı .. ama senin farklılığın
sen farklısın .
buna emin miyim ?
bilmiyorum .. ama ne fark eder ki ? senin farklı olduğunu düşünüyorum . sen ne düşünüyorsun ?
gördüğüm yüz melek yüzü gibi .. ben hep meleğe baktığımı zannederim , biliyor musun ? hastayım sanırım . ama senin yüzün daha farklı .. farklı olduğundan mı ki ? melek yüzüne ellerimi değdirmek istiyorum . yanaklarını sarmak istiyorum iki elimle .. sen hep içerdesin , bense dışardan geldim ! ellerim soğuk biraz , senin deyiminleyse buz gibi .. ama o an ne fark eder ki ?

bulanık görüyorum .. ellerim de titrek biraz ! bir bahane bulup , arkadaşımı peşime taktım bu akşam yine .. arkadaşımı da seviyorum ama amacım seni görmek ? heyecanla kapıdan giriyorum içeri . başım dönüyor ! müthiş bir şekilde kararıyor her yer .. sen pespembesin ! sonra turuncu .. tişörtün çok yakışıyor sana ! o çalıştığın yerdeki bütün elemanların giydiği turuncu tişört , senin üzerinde çok daha şahane durmakta .. daha önce söylemiş miydim ?
öğle tatilin var mı ? nerde yemek yiyorsun ?
ah . bilmiyorum ..
aklım çok karışık ! doğru mu yapıyorum ?
benimle gel , seni güzel bir yere götüreceğim ..
oranın yemekleri çok güzel ama ?
gel .. hadi gel !
sınırı aşmadan susuyorum şimdi , tamam .. sonra yine geleceğim ama , görüşürüz !

bulaşıkları yıkıyorum , ellerim buruşuyor ..
soğuk suda yıkanıyorum , şampuan kalmamış .. ve saçlarım tel tel oldu ! uzun saç bana gerçekten yakışıyor mu ? merak ediyorum ..
şimdi biraz kestireyim televizyon izlerken , yarın sabah da çamaşırları yıkarım ..
uyuyorum .. uyuyorum .. uyuyorum !
ve uyandığımda çok sersemdim . şapşal şapşal etrafı süzüyordum .. aradığım şey rüyamdaki kadın olabilir miydi ki ?
rüyamda seviştiğim kadın çok güzeldi .. ürkek bir ses tonu vardı ve heyecandan olsa gerek titriyordu ! işimiz bittiğinde o yanıma uzandı , bense o uyuduğunda yataktan kalkıp gittim .. not bile bırakmadan ..
kalkıp yüzümü yıkadım ! yüzümü yıkarken farkına vardım da , ellerim yumuşamış .. ya da yüzümdeki eller farklı kişilerin(!) .. anlam veremeden musluğu kapadım !
"aaa evet , çamaşırları yıkayacaktım" dedim .. çamaşır makinası yokmuş gibi elde yıkayıverdim ! uzun sürmedi .. ne de olsa pasaklı bir gencim ! genç miyim ? iltifat gibi geldi de bi an .. ruhum genç belki de , bedenim öyle göstermiyor çünkü pek !
sonra yine uyudum ..
şuan uyuyorum ! uyuyorum .. uyuyorum !
ve uyandığımda yine çok sersemdim . şapşal şapşal etrafı süzüyordum .. bu kez aradığım şey neydi ?
ve yarım saat sonra farkına vardım ! o an mısır gevreği koyuyordum kaseye ..
"sonra yine geleceğim , görüşürüz" dedikten sonra günlerce yanına gitmediğim turuncu tişörtlü melek ! söz vermiştim .. belki kendi kendimeydi ve o umursamamıştı ? ama yine de söz vermiştim ..
kesinlikle bu kez şapşallığımın sebebi oydu !
yüzümü yıkadım hemen .. koltuğa yaslanıp yere oturdum bi müddet ve düşündüm ! rüyamdaki kadınla onu aldatmıştım .. kötü hissediyordum ! yüzüne nasıl bakacaktım ? melek o ! ya anlarsa ?
cesaretimi topladım ve evden çıktım günler sonra ..

parmaklarım üşüdü soğuktan . aslında eldivenleri değiştirmeliyim ! biraz normal olmam gerek .. ne o parmak uçları kesik eldivenler ? neye yarıyor ki ..
yürüdüm ..
yürürken ne için gittiğimi düşündüm .. içeri girdiğimde ne diyecektim ben !
ve yine bir bahane buldum .. fark ettim de ben sana gelirken hep bir bahane bulabiliyorum ! ve bu kez bahanemi kendi başıma ürettim . yanımda bir arkadaşım yoktu ve yalnız başıma yanına geliyordum !
yürüdüm ..
kapıdan içeri girdim ! çok büyük bu alışveriş merkezi ..
yürüyen merdivenler senin çalıştığın yere daha yakın ! çıktığımda tam karşımda oluyorsun .. direkt seni görebiliyorum !
ne zaman içeri girsem , sen de bana bakıyordun .. ama kesik kesik !
sana kafamı her çevirdiğimde bana bakıyor oluyordun .. ama kesik kesik !

*yardım edebilir miyim ?
-ben .. ben ".... dergisi" arıyordum ! ekim sayısı geldi mi acaba ?
*bir dakika bakayım .
dedin ve bilgisayardan baktın . sonra bana dönüp ;
*buyrun , bu taraftan ..
dedin . ve arkandan geliyordum .. parfümün çok güzel kokuyordu !
saçların çok güzel .. bugün bir farklı güzelsin ..
*işte burada .. her geldiğinizde bu dergiden alıyorsunuz . güzel mi acaba ?
-hayır , güzel olan sensin ..
*efendim?
-dergi ? ah , evet . çok güzel ! ben bir yazarım . yani öyle sayılırım .. örnek olsun diye alıyorum
*ne kadar hoş
dedin ve gülümsedin .. kendimi o an aptal gibi hissettim
-erkek arkadaşın var mı ?
*anlamadım ?
-şey .. daha önce hep bi arkadaşımla geliyordum da , o da senin erkek arkadaşın olduğunu düşünüyor
*hayır , yok
dedin ve tebessüm ettin .. biraz da sinirlendin sanki
-bu turuncu tişörtlerden giymek zorunda mı herkes ?
*evet , niye ki ?
-sadece sen giymelisin .

*neden

-en çok sana yakışıyor ..
*sen çok garipsin .
dedin ve gözgözeydik o an .. salakça bakıyordum sana ! niye garip olduğumu düşündüğünü düşünüyordum .. o an çok aptalca konuştuğumun farkındaydım aslında ! ne söylediğimi bile bilmiyordum . ve
-ben seni aldattım .. bana kızma olur mu ?
*ne ? nasıl .. nasıl yani ? anlayamadım .
-ilk gördüğüm rüyamda bir başkası vardı .. seni görmedim , başkasıydı gördüğüm . ve onunla oldum ..
dedim ve sustun . bir şey demedin ! ne diyebilirdin ki .. saçmalamaya devam ettim
-sen .. gözlerin ışıldıyor ve sen .. sen çok güzelsin !
*teşekkür ederim
-sadece bu kadar mı ?
*ne dememi bekliyorsun ki ?
-sana aşık oldum sanırım .
*dergiyi alıyor musunuz ?
-sana aşık olduğumu söylüyorum .. beni duymuyor musun ?
*dergi 5 ytl .. birikmiş paranız varsa geçmemi ister misiniz ?
-iyi günler .
dedim ve sana hiçbir şey deme hakkı vermeden oradan ayrıldım .. senin çalıştığın yerle aynı katta olan ve hep kahvesini içtiğim bir yer vardı ! oraya gittim .. kahvemi alıp masalardan birini seçtim ! dört ya da beş şeker almışım yine , çok şekerli içiyorum kahveyi de çayı da .. sen hangisini seviyorsun ? ve şekersiz mi içersin ? bilmiyorum ki .. ben yine de şekerli içsem iyi olur , öbür türlü zevk alamıyorum ..
sigaramı yakmıştım ve kahvemi içiyordum ki karşıma oturdun ..

*özür dilerim , hiç beklemediğim bi anda geldin .
-beklediğin anda gelsem , bir özelliği olur muydu ?
*tamam , saçmalıyorum ve orda da saçmaladım ..
-ee ?
*ben de .. sanırım ben de sana aşığım , bilmiyorum
-nerden bu kanıya vardın ?
*yapma .. farkında değil misin , hep sana bakıyorum .. bir haftadır gelmedin , seni çok merak ettim .
-evdeydim .
*bir hafta boyunca evde miydin ?
-şimdiden kıskançlık mı yapıyorsun ? evet , evet .. evdeydim .
*hiç çıkmadığına göre canın bir şeye sıkılmış olmalı ?
-gerçekten ne yaptığımı bilmiyorum .. devamlı uyudum sanırım
*seni özledim
-gerçekten mi ?
*evet . şey .. seni her gün görmeye alışmıştım ! sanırım çalıştığım saatleri biliyorsun ve hep o saatlerde geliyorsun . bu çok hoşuma gidiyor .. her gün seni göreceğim o saatleri bekliyorum ama bunu bilmiyorsun tabi .
dedin ve bir şeyler daha söylemek istiyor gibiydin fakat duraksadın .. yutkundun
-susma ..
*pardon , heyecanlıyım .. saçların çok güzel
-niye ? kıvırcıklar mı hoşuna gidiyor yoksa ?
*hayır , her kıvırcık değil .. normalde hiç dikkatimi çekmez . ama sanırım sana ait oldukları için beğeniyorum ..
-kahve içmek ister misin ?
*tabi ..
uzun bir süre susmuştuk ve kahvelerimizi yudumladık . sen kahvene iki şeker attın .. ve sigara içmiyorsun pek .. nadiren ! bana eşlik etmek için bir tane içtin . ama sana sigaranın yakışmadığını düşündüm .. çünkü sana melek gözüyle bakmaktayım !
bir süre daha konuşmamıştık . sonra kahvelerimiz bitti ve kalktık ..
*benim işe dönmem gerek .
-biliyorum ..
*yarın gelecek misin ?
-bilmiyorum ..
*bunun böyle havada kalmasını istemiyorum
-sanırım ben de ..
*bugün geldiğin için teşekkür ederim
-bir şey değil ..

umarım yarın yine gelirim , umarım sana gelebilecek bir bahanem olur ..
ve umarım bu bahaneler hiç bitmez

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